Communicating & Connecting with Our Kids & Teens
Families, like people, have wildly different personalities. Some families are loud, others quieter; some families are very active, others have a slower pace and engage in more sedate activities. Some are hyper-organized, others frenzied and chaotic. I coach all kinds of families with all kinds of kids, and at the beginning of working with a family, I strive to know the unique personality of each family.
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Ready to make impactful changes in your parenting strategy?
I want to know all the things family members are unhappy with AND all the strengths and awesome uniqueness of the family! Together we want to grow the strengths and awesomeness! We also use creativity, problem-solving, and knowledge of family dynamics to “fix” the challenge areas. A common challenge area for parents is getting their kids to listen to them: “What can I do so my kids will listen?”
What Can I Do So My Kids Will Listen?
Adelle Faber and Elaine Mazlish got it right in their book: “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk”. I read this simple book when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, and it influenced my parenting and my parent coaching dramatically. They teach a strategy of communicating with kids that builds relationships and connection in all kinds of families!
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Let’s explore ways to communicate with our kids that symbiotically develop the parent <> child relationship. Parents, like kids, have different temperaments, personalities, energy levels that they bring to this most important relationship. Sometimes, parent temperaments, personalities and energy levels don’t match with their kids’ temperaments, personalities, and energy levels. So effective parenting often requires that parents make adjustments in their parenting behaviors, parenting style, and energy level as they strive to successfully raise their kids.
You might be thinking “What? You’re telling me that I have to change my personality to be a good parent?” Maybe. Sometimes we have to learn new ways of “being” with our kids so they can thrive! Let’s call this skill “Parent Adaptability”.
Parent Adaptability Builds Connections with Kids & Teens
I’ll give some examples of adaptations in “being” with kids that promote healthy development. When my oldest daughter was a toddler, she taught me the importance of voice volume and tone, and being aware of parent intrusiveness. She was an introverted child. She was also creative, curious, happy, peaceful, conversational, and relational in family settings.
I also am introverted, but have an enthusiastic and energetic engagement style that was sometimes “too much” for my baby girl. I had to quiet down. She was always busy playing, singing, creating, observing, dancing, drawing, and she taught me that it was discomforting for her when I raised my voice or talked too much or when I interrupted or was intrusive in her play. It was fun for her if I just sat beside her on the floor and enjoyed her playing! Once I learned that it was “ok” to just sit and be together with her, it was so easy to have fun.
She was my first child, so she helped me develop a communication style that worked for her. She didn’t need me to teach her how to play independently or creatively, she used her own observation skills to learn from her environment. She needed me to be close and quiet, a guiding hand that was present so she could feel safe and comfortable expanding her world. She needed an organized, peaceful home environment, and she needed to spend most of her time at home.
My oldest daughter taught me the benefits of quiet observation and the wonder of just “being together”.
Connecting with Our Awesome Kids & Together Time
I have another story to share that highlights the benefits of “parent adaptability” at the other end of the temperament continuum. I worked with a lovely family with three kids ages 4 to 8, 2 girls and a boy. In my first meeting with the Mom and Dad, several things were obvious. Mom and Dad shared a connected and loving relationship. And they both loved their children completely. Mom and Dad had very different relationships with their kids, and Dad’s was more connected.
Dad shared stories about the fun he had with the kids, separately and together, and how he couldn’t wait till weekends for family time. He described each child, their likes and dislikes, a bit about their personalities, and the activities he engaged in with his children. As Dad was sharing, Mom was teary and sad.
When it was Mom’s turn, she started by saying, “It’s so easy for him. I want what he has with the kids, especially my son. All the kids like him more, and when he’s around, they want to be with him. I think my son wishes he had a different mother.” I was moved by Mom’s courage as she shared her experiences. This Mom loved her kids and wanted to be a great Mom; she wanted her kids to have a GREAT MOM! She was sad because her kids didn’t enjoy spending time with her, they preferred each other or their Dad.
Mom felt a disconnect with her children and wanted to fix it, especially with her son. I met a few times with Mom and we talked about her parenting skills and habits. When she was with her kids, she recorded some of their interactions so we could observe them together. Clearly Mom was nurturing enough and structured when she needed to be. Their home was kid friendly and rich with developmental opportunities. Their routines were well established and likely addressed all the kids’ needs and more.
What was going wrong then? My guess was that her kids were not as connected with her because they were unsure how she was experiencing them. With Dad, they experienced a parent that was having lots of fun parenting. Dad was enthusiastic, energetic, joyful, and thought each child was “the awesomest”, and the kids all knew it!
Mom loved her kids and also thought each child was “the awesomest”, but the kids didn’t know it. Mom’s personality was serious. She was sedate compared to Dad. For Mom and Dad, their personalities complimented each other and they were deeply in-love. With Mom and kids, there was a “kid-experienced” disconnect.
Mom loved her kids and she wanted to be a great Mom. She was easy to coach and developing new habits was fun, especially when she experienced a new kind of connection with her kids.
Right away, Mom and Dad altered the family schedule so Mom had “together time” with each child for a few hours each week. We created a simple structure for “parent-child together time”:
- Mom schedules the time and posts it on the family calendar.
- The first week it is Mom’s choice for an activity, then Mom and child alternate choosing the activity.
- The activity needs to be simple, inexpensive, non-materialistic, and screen free, so no presents, shopping, movies or video games; it needs to be at least an hour. Outdoor activities are perfect, no matter the weather!
- Conversation during together time is initiated by the child and parent questions need to be limited; lots of quiet time is OK! This is an opportunity to be together, to listen to each other, to make memories.
- At the end of each parent-child time together, the next activity is planned so parent and child have this to look forward to!
Mom and I met a few times with the goal of increasing her engagement and enthusiasm in her interactions with her kids … some of the time. We kept it light and funny. We weren’t goaling for a personality change, just some changes in Mom’s interactional style. Mom demonstrated great “parent adaptability”!
Mom practiced new responses that would demonstrate to her kids that she was interested in what they had to say and thought they were totally awesome! Mom was surprised at the enthusiastic response from her kids. After a month of coaching, she came into our meeting all smiles and told me that a big topic of conversation in their family was now about Mom – Child together time! The kids wanted more time with Mom!
What can I do so my kids will listen?
Another quick tip about parent adaptability and then I’ll say goodbye for now!
Talk less … listen more!
In my early work with couples and parents, I found myself struggling to tactfully advise clients to talk less and listen more to their kids and their partners. Talking … talking … talking … so much talking was drowning out the connection. After a year or so of coaching parents, I gave up on tactfulness because it was taking too long for parents to hear this advice and make parenting changes.
In the first meetings with parents, I would talk about this balance between talking and listening. I asked parents to track the “talking initiatives” from their kids and from parents. Parents were always surprised at this focus. “I’m coming to see you to help me be a better parent and you’re telling me to stop talking?” Some even added, “What kind of psychology is this anyway?”
But when parents started talking less and listening more, it created space for their kids to tell their stories, share their thinking and feelings, and develop their minds in connection with their parents. Parents seemed to feel less pressure and more joy in the parenting role when they practiced listening more and talking less!
This communication tactic is especially effective for developing connections with our teenage kids. Try it and see how it creates connection in your family. Goodbye for now! Peace to you on your parenting journey.