“Good Enough” Parenting is All About Connecting with Our Kids

Parenting is complex in all circumstances, no matter the characteristics of parent, child or family. Parenting is a journey of a lifetime, and through all the developing years, it’s a 24/7 job.  There aren’t many other things we do in life that are all consuming like raising our kids.  It takes all the brains, heart and energy we can give!

And parenting has become even more challenging these days as parents and kids are experiencing stress and anxiety levels that are unprecedented.  I just finished recording a  self-paced audio program that I developed for parents with anxious kids, I named it SPARK! … Strategic Parenting for Anxious & Reactive Kids! … so parenting anxious kids is on my mind.  

As I was working on SPARK!, I thought a lot about the challenges, intensity, and complexities of parenting, and this evolved into reflection on how we learn to be “good enough” parents.  Not that many parents want to be “good enough”. With the hundreds of parents I’ve coached, the vast majority were not content with being good enough … They wanted to be perfect!  They want their kids to have great parents!

As a parent coach, I often have to convince parents that perfection isn’t necessary, though I understand the desire to be a perfect parent.  I wanted to be a perfect parent … still do!  I wasn’t though … and my kids are thriving adults in spite of my imperfect parenting.  

The Parenting Coach

Part of my job as a parenting coach is to help parents be more effective so their kids can thrive, and another part of my coaching role is to encourage parents to forgive their own imperfections, not be so impatient, judgemental and unforgiving with themselves and their parenting partners.  As I say in the SPARK! Program, kids don’t need us to be perfect parents, they need us to keep learning and growing with them! … FOREVER!

If parenting is so important, why are there so few resources for parents?  Current neuroscience research tells us that relationships are the most complicated activity for our brains, and the parent <> child relationship is the most complex of relationships.  So why is it that there are so few resources for parents?  As parents, we could use advice, support, and strategies that are easily accessible to us as we lead our complicated lives.  It’s unfortunate that this is often difficult to find.

Working with one family at a time over three decades has given me lots of opportunities to learn about parenting.  This is why I started The Parent and Family Coaching Center, so I could share these learnings, continue to coach parents in this most intense and important journey, and build a community of parents who are learning and growing as parents.  When I was a new parent, I was just starting graduate school, and the focus of my program was on parenting, child development, and families, so I had an opportunity to read all the psychological research in these areas, and study with some “experts” in parenting and family dynamics.  Maybe for me this was helpful, but parents with young kids don’t have time for lots of reading, especially today where lots of families have two working parents or a single working parent.  

I want this blog and website to be an easily accessible resource for “all kinds of parents with all kinds of kids.”  In addition to our programs and coaching, we have a parenting resource page that we will keep adding to so if you have some resources that have been helpful to you on your parenting journey, email us and we will add it to our resource page.  What has been helpful to you on your parenting journey? 

Learning to be “Good Enough” Parents

So back to the question: How do we learn to be “good enough” parents?  I read lots about parenting during graduate school.  My dissertation was 168 pages and all about parenting. And I worked on a research team with others studying and researching all about parenting.  But I think what was most  influential for me was seeing the kind of mother my younger sister was … she taught me lots about parenting, she has always been a beautiful mother.  

My sister was a very young mother with her first daughter, but somehow she knew the essence of mothering.  She taught me the importance of parents utilizing their whole selves to be positively and calmly engaged with their kids.  Parents too often talk “at” their kids rather than “with” their kids.  She showed me the importance of being attentive with my whole self when I am with my kids.  She held the belief that parenting was important and she acted on this during all the parenting moments of her life.  She still does, now with her grandchildren and 

My sister reminded me that each child has her own “awesomeness” and our kids need us to see this awesomeness through all life’s moments.  She taught me about the necessary balance between being structured as a parent and being nurturing.  And so many more things! I am grateful for all I’ve learned, actually am still learning from her.  

But not everyone has a model for parenting, so let’s get this blog started by focusing on one parenting behavior that helps every parent – child connection!  In fact, when you learn this connecting behavior, you’ll want to use it in all your close relationships!

Changing Ineffective Parenting Habits

Let’s start with developing one new parenting habit for communicating with  kids!  It’s always fun working with parents on building new parent <> child or parent <> teen communication habits. And it’s not complex, it just takes practice.  Everyone can be a better parent next week than they are today, it just requires an important but not necessarily difficult habit change today. Just one that you practice every day until it is the new parenting habit.

I think you’ll agree that parenting is really intense at times.  Parents get into habits that help them simplify all the necessary tasks in their busy day-to-day, habits that make parenting seem less intense.  Of course, this can be an illusion, especially if we have an ineffective parenting practice that has become a parenting habit. 

 Ineffective parenting practices create frustration, disappointment, disconnection, and actually increase the intensity and complexity of parenting.  So let’s highlight a communication practice that makes parenting less intense and more fun!  With a few effective communication habits, parents and kids experience a deeper connectedness, the whole family is more collaborative, and kids are more compliant with parent directives.  That’s right!  The more positively connected your children are to you, the better they will behave!  And with parents who have anxious, reactive or defiant kids, these communication practices are more necessary and positive results are even greater.

Communicating with Our Kids Effectively – So Your Kids Will Listen and Connect

When you talk to your kids, use all of your “self” to engage with their whole selves.      

• Pause what you are doing when you talk with your child… 
• Squat down to their level… 
• Look into their eyes …   
• Take their hand … put your hand on their shoulder …
• Be physically close …
• If they’re small … Take them onto your lap…

When you’re talking with your child …

 No matter what you’re talking about …

 Be close to them. Give them your full attention …  for a few moments…

 No more yelling instructions across the room (Or up the stairs … or out the door)

  If you want or need to talk with your child …

                            Be present & fully engaged … be near them …

                   Be engaged with your whole being…

In OUR culture, we’re overly dependent on the spoken word and we under utilize our whole selves in our relationships. Start a new communication habit today, it just takes practice. And by the way, this communication practice works with other family relationships too. Figure out how to be fully present when you are communicating with all the people you love!  

Changing Our Parenting Habits

There’s a great book on developing new habits. It’s the best book I’ve read on changing life habits so we can live the life that we want !  Atomic Habits by James Clear.   This book is like following a recipe, you can read one chapter and practice the habit change.  He also has a great website about changing our habits for good!

For this communication habit change, start with a section of the day when you are with your kids so you can commit to this new communication practice.  Perhaps you can start with the morning routine.  What will you use as reminders to communicate with your whole self, not just words that are yelled across the room?  

Change is faster and more sustainable if we track and record progress, so be sure to take a few minutes as the busy morning routines transition to the work day to reflect on and record your progress.  Ask yourself a few questions:  Am I using this time in the morning to connect with my kids?  Did I practice this new communication habit?  How many times did I revert back to my old communication habit?  How will I do better tomorrow?   

How do we learn to be “good enough” parents?   Well, we can start with adopting one good idea from a book or podcast, or from an observation of others, and making it part of our parenting habits.  And then it’s about practice, practice, practice.  Try this one: “When you talk to your kids, use all of your “self” to engage with their whole selves.”  Practicing this tactic is fun, and the return on the effort investment is huge!