Parenting Habits That Motivate Your Kids to Listen!
“How do I get my kids to listen to me? AAAHHHHHH!”
This is a common question parents ask at parenting workshops or when I am coaching “all kinds of parents with all kinds of kids.” I’ve learned that when parents ask: “How do I get my kids to listen to me?”, they actually want to know how to get their kids to do what they want them to do when they want them to do it.
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Want more information on Strategic Parenting for Anxious and Reactive Kids?
My answer: “Let’s learn some parenting practices that will get your kids to listen AND get your kids to do what they need to do for themselves and for their families.” If you find yourself feeling frustrated in your interactions with your kids, if they’re ignoring you when you speak to them or are habitually non-compliant with your requests, directives, instructions, you need some new parenting tactics. If you are feeling this way, your children are likely learning social behaviors that are disrespectful and dismissive of others, and I think you’ll agree that this is not the kind of behavior we want our kids to develop!
You can get your kids to do what they need to do most of the time and without whining, arguing, and tantrums! You can develop parenting habits that keep your kids connected to you AND foster independence, creativity, respectfulness, collaboration, and productivity. I’ve worked with hundreds of families who have achieved this goal. It’s about pausing in the busy day-to-day and noticing aspects of your family dynamic that are not working for you and your kids. Once you are aware that something is not working well, you can fix it!
Does that sound good? Ok, next question … “How do we do that?” Read on…
Parenting So Your Kids Are Listening & Behaving Well
I am going to offer a piece of advice that will make parenting much less energy consuming … if you make this your new parenting habit!
Here it is: Be definitive about what you ask of your child in the course of a typical day. Make sure every directive, request, instruction is necessary.
Before you give an instruction or directive, unless it is a safety circumstance, question it and actually make a decision that the directive you are giving to your child is necessary. When you have determined that this instruction is necessary, be prepared to ensure that your child follows the directive, request or instruction.
Following is a typical parent-child interaction for parents who are frustrated that their children “don’t listen” and are noncompliant with directives.
Mom: “Catherine, come down for dinner, I need you to set the table. Dinner’s almost ready.”
Silence.
Mom: “Catherine! Come down and set the table. It’s dinner time.”
Catherine: “Ok. In a minute.”
Mom finishes dinner prep, calls the younger kids in from outdoors, and still has no visual of her oldest daughter.
Mom: “Catherine!!! Right now! Dinner’s all ready!”
Mom is frustrated and disappointed in Catherine. She’s thinking: “Why can’t she do what I ask her to do? Everything is all about her, she doesn’t show any consideration for all I have to do. AAAHHHHHH! When is she going to learn to be helpful? She’s 14 already!”
Mom gets out the dishes and silverware and begrudgingly sets the table; she’s angry and stressed. Her thinking is negative, her body is tense, stressed, and achy, and she feels angry and alone. Mom helps the younger kids get their snow clothes off and hang them up in the closet, and tries to sound positive even as she is feeling grouchy. Catherine comes sauntering into the kitchen, and checks out dinner.
Catherine: “Oh wow! Taco Tuesdays! My favorite! Let’s eat!”
Mom: “Seriously! I asked you to come down and help. What were you doing that was so important you couldn’t take a break? When are you going to realize that you have to help with things around here? You are part of this family and you have to do your share!!! You never listen. What makes it ok for you to be so rude?”
I have heard this scenario described so many times in my coaching with families. If this scene is familiar to you, you are certainly not alone.
Parenting Behaviors that Change the Negative Family Dynamic
Mom is a good mother. She has built a home that is comfortable, warm, and well organized in order to meet all her kids’ needs; her life is truly dedicated to raising her children. Catherine is a good kid. She’s talented, smart, funny, kind, and is great with her younger siblings. She’s a hard worker, has many activities she is interested in, and is an excellent student. When her mother called her from downstairs and asked her to set the table, she was working on a homework project with her friends over zoom. She was doing important work.
Let’s help Mom utilize more effective parenting tactics that will connect her with her daughter in these typical daily scenarios. When Mom develops a couple of new parenting habits, she will experience more joy and less frustration in her interactions with her children.
Parenting Habit #1
When you talk to your kids, use your “whole self” to engage with their whole selves.
If you want or need to talk with your child, be present and fully engaged, be near them, be engaged with your whole being.
In this presented scenario, Mom has developed two ineffective parenting habits: the habit of giving directives, instructions, and making requests of her kids from a distance and the habit of giving instructions without thinking about the actions she will take when her child or adolescent doesn’t comply with the instruction. So actually, Mom’s behavior is allowing, encouraging, permitting (any of these words can describe what is happening) Catherine to ignore Mom’s directive.
When parents give their kids instructions from a distance, the power of the parent <> child connection is lost. Kids and adolescents, especially adolescents, think that the instruction is not important. Kids decide that what they are engaged in is more important than the parent request and so they don’t need to comply. When parents are communicating with their whole selves, kids and teens are pulled into the interaction, and all these simple, routine parent-child interactions are now opportunities to deeply connect. When you talk to your kids, use your “whole self” to engage with their whole selves, and you will find that your children will no longer ignore you. Your children will learn to negotiate with you or follow the necessary directive.
Parenting Habit #2
When you give your kids and teens an instruction, act like you expect them to follow it!
Give the instruction with a firm and nurturing voice and of course, be close to your child. Then be aware of YOUR thinking, and if needed, change your thinking to a clear expectation for your child. Your presence, stance, and thinking are clues to your child, these “whole self messages” help your child decide on their action steps.